


Somewhen to remember, somewhen to forget

by Haski_kitsune



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Fucked Up, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Kurosaki Ichigo, Hurt No Comfort, Ichigo is fucked up, Kurosaki Ichigo is Shiba Kaien, Not Really Character Death, Reincarnation, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28838472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haski_kitsune/pseuds/Haski_kitsune
Summary: Every night Ichigo hears screams. And names he never knew.After each such dream, it becomes physically painful for him to look at previously familiar people.
Relationships: Kurosaki Ichigo/suffering
Kudos: 26





	Somewhen to remember, somewhen to forget

**Author's Note:**

> That;s angst hmm 😏  
> An AU where Ichigo is an Eternal God, who reincarnates every. Fucking. Time.

It was the end, it was war, it was famine, destruction, it was emptiness. It was crazy strength, adrenaline in the blood, joy and bitterness after sorties, there was despair after the death of loved ones, love for friends. That was all. Now all emotions have left empty wreckage, but a scorched desert.

Kurosaki Rio leans against the wall, puffing on his pipe of ash. He's in pain, his lungs are bursting, but he can't die. It's an absolute emptiness, it's the despair of not being able to die like nine-tenths of his clan. Rio hopes that the shinigami will finally find him, and he will have a reason to die.

Kurosaki Rio is fifty-eight, not even twenty by the look of him, and he's drowning out the emptiness after realizing the futility of the whole Thousand Years Blood War with cigarettes and alcohol. He was five when he officially became the genius of the entire Quincy community, even creating his own clan. Such a large formation; more than three hundred people in the clan. And it's all run by a ten-year-old boy.

Rio is vile for those murders committed in the war. He drinks for every Shinigami he killed, a bottle of whiskey for Hollow or a man. And he knows that even all the reserves of the world will not be enough to rest all the dead.

He tells his diary the whole story of his broken and twisted world, even talking stupidly about the creation of the world.  
  
‘I'm just Quincey. Quincy are stupid moral freaks who upset the balance and disfigure the universe. All those whom we called enemies— Soul Reapers, shinigami —are just saints compared to us. I don't even give up on these wars anymore, I don't want to remember the faces of the dead.’

Ichigo looks thoughtfully at the front door and then at the dresser. He gets up from the nearly broken chair, goes to the half-open locker, opens the door, takes out a knife, and runs it across his wrist with a ghastly smile. Time to die.  
  
Shinigami stabbing him from behind with a spear confirms his words. Kurosaki Rio dies ingloriously.

/////

  
Kurosaki Ichigo jumps out of bed, watching in horror as a corner pattern crawls across his arms and a red stripe appears on his wrist.

/////

  
Shirosaki is so sick of everything that even winning battles does not bring pleasure. He's Vasto Lorde, but he grins as he transforms a frightening bone mask into a human face in monochrome colors. He doesn't count how old he is, how many Hollows he ate, how many he won, and how many people, Quincy, shinigami, think he's a bastard without principles.

Shirosaki has his own philosophy of battle, even the concept of life is different. The personalities inside him, who had previously attacked him by the millions, even billions, are now obediently silent.

He has his own ideas about pity; if the enemy is on his deathbed, it is better to kill him so that he does not suffer. If he ran away, that's where he's going.

A king is not worth palaces, if he does not kill, does not spare, and does not make laws. At least for the Hollows. Their ruler is a cruel bastard, even if he _isn't_.

Shirosaki summons the sword in his hand with detachment, swiping at his right wrist, under the first stripe. He sits in the hall, watching everything fall apart outside. Shinigami do not forgive creatures with extraordinary abilities. And with that face. He exhales, watching the blood run down his wrist, and closes his eyes.

If he had been born human… if _they_ could have been reborn human, maybe things would have been different.

He looks up lazily at the intruder, grinning horribly. Before him is newbee Shinigami, quite a shorty. Brown-haired, green-eyed, bespectacled; Lieutenant, I think. He throws himself at Shirosaki with his eyes closed.

He can easily dodge, but does not do so, and freezes with a sword in his chest.

The next time he wakes up, he is on a skyscraper in the rain.

/////

  
Ichigo falls off the bed, jumping up in fright and banging against the dresser. In addition to the first red line, a second one appears below in the morning, and the eye, as he sees in front of the mirror, has turned yellow. But for some reason, no one noticed.

Ichigo Kurosaki is seven, and he seems to be going crazy.

/////

  
Emma-Dai-Ō has no reason to complain about his life. Because he doesn't have it, didn't have it, and won't have it. Because he was already born dead. Because he watches sinners suffer for years and feels nothing in his anatomically perfect chest.

Jigoku is always different.

It has fire, ice, desert, and rainforest. But the only one thing does not change—death. If it was possible to describe it in one word, Emma would say with despair in his eyes—eternity.

He's counting his age for some reason. He's a hundred and fifty, but he's already desperate. It's so terrible that he can't die, that he's going crazy. It's so ugly that— Emma wants to die, hoping that the Will of Hell will hear his thoughts and finally pay attention to him.

He has already opened the gate, now anyone can enter and beat him. Shinigami are dying in droves under his golden scythe, and he sadly realizes that almost no one can defeat him. Keyword was _almost_. Zero Squad comes to him, cutting Emma in half.

And he smiles, scaring them even more.

He gives them a parting gift by throwing a hell bomb.

/////

  
Ichigo was even used to waking up from nightmares and then looking at his wrist, sighing as he noticed the new sign. 

He gets up, dresses quietly, and goes down to the kitchen. His father and sisters are sitting in the room, crying. And Ichigo had cried too much in the first three days after his mother's death. He raises the glass to his mouth, but it suddenly glows, and then it falls down and breaks.

Ichigo sinks to the floor, leaning back against the table leg. He is not even surprised that the water is still hanging in the air. 

Ichigo is very, very tired. Ichigo Kurosaki is nine and he already knows what death is.

Ichigo Kurosaki is nine; and he looks like a hunted animal.

With a sigh, he looks in the mirror and sees instead of himself, now a frightening monochrome teenager, now a serious military man, now a desperate ruler. Ichigo Kurosaki is slowly losing himself under the weight of more than three hundred years of memories.

Ichigo Kurosaki is nine.

_And he needs help. (Mommy)_

/////

  
Shiba Kaien smiles brightly and happily at everyone while the inside burns down. He once tells Ukitaka a thing that he often repeats on his grave when visiting her. _It hurts to die, the pain is even worse, but the strongest grief that a person can experience is guilt and despair_. Kaien knows that the last two points are the most painful not by hearsay.

Through his fault, a whole squad of students dies at the Academy, because the boy went out for a walk, and then accidentally collided with a Hollow. He stands in the middle of the bloody mess, shivering and still clutching the newly awakened blade, and his eyes are empty-empty.

He blames himself for the incident, never showing the same bright and lively eyes again. Only few people notice the eyes of a dead fish under a fan of eyelashes.

Despair is absolute pain.

He's not a Hollow, not even Quincy, but somehow he knows how to summon a bow or create a Hierro. If anyone finds out about this, there will be exile, and at worst, death. Kaien can't share his powers with anyone, because his mother died ten years ago. Because there's no one else.

There's nothing good about his situation. So he looks at Rukia, who looks so delighted, and asks himself, ‘What have I done to deserve this attitude?’ He's not even as talented as some of the officers. But for some reason, everyone considers it as important as possible.

_It hurts to die—_

Caien wheezes, feeling a black spot creep up his spine, an alien voice whispering idiocy. It hurts, but he sees Rukia standing before him, defenseless. Something in my chest twists into a spring.

_The pain is even worse—_

He asks her to kill him, knowing what he is doing. She goes over her own rules just to prove to herself that she will overcome everything. Somehow, Kaien knows that he will see little Kuchiki again in the future. And he condemns her to eternal suffering.

_But the greatest grief that a person can experience is guilt—_

The girl pierces him with a blade that feels pleasantly cold inside. Kaien leans forward with all his strength and puts his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. She cries without raising her head. And when at last her eyes are fixed on him, all he can see in her violet eyes is Despair.

_—And despair._

/////

  
Ichigo jumps up, looking at his cabinet. On his wrist, he already has the fourth and —for some reason, Ichigo thinks— the last sign. The circle closes. Now he finally understands who all these creatures from his dreams were. But it doesn't make it any easier for him.

Rukia sniffs softly in the closet. And Ichigo goes to the bathroom, once again seeing the change. One of his strands had turned black. He grins, sliding back down the side of the bathroom. Kurosaki Ichigo is fifteen —and he has already become a Substitute Shinigami.

Only he's not sure if he's just _Substitute_ and alive. Because in his dreams he had been dead for nine hundred years.

Kurosaki Ichigo is fifteen when Rukia Kuchiki is kidnapped and sentenced to death.

Ichigo is fifteen when he meets ‘himself’.

/////

  
Ichigo screams, feeling a hole form in his chest, and a mask appears on his face, blocking the oxygen path. Tears glisten in her brown eyes; he doesn’t want to die again, not from a weapon strike, but simply because he wants to save Rukia. He closes his eyes, struggling.

Blinked, suddenly seeing what's around grey high-rise buildings, the windows, raining and empty. It doesn't even hurt, so he's not in the outside world anymore. Ichigo blinks again, and then several figures appear in front of him. He exhales convulsively as he scans their faces. Before him stand his exact copies, measured to the millimeter. That's what he sees in the mirror every morning.

They tilt their heads, smiling at him, and he can't even breathe, he's so scared to see his own face. It's so painful, Ichigo is overwhelmed with despair, for the umpteenth time in his life.

“You were born human after all”, one says softly.

“He's not human”, the monochrome version frowns.

The black-haired man grins bitterly. “That doesn’t matter. Ichigo,” he says.

For him continues the first, “We are you. You know our names. Shout them so that you can hear them even in our time. Shout, Ichigo,” he says, putting his hand on Ichigo's shoulder. And he screams.

Screams, tearing his throat, feeling pain all over his body, tearing his vocal cords. He has a huge amount of energy in his hand, in his head, in his legs. And eyes, eyes literally burn from released reiatsu. His hands are covered in armor, and Ichigo knows what happens next.

/////

  
“Re, Itte!” Ichigo shouts, bursting into the sky with all his strength, choking on the air that suddenly began to invade his ghostly lungs, but then he realizes with horror that his heart is no longer beating. He lands on the sand, raising columns of dust, and clenches his right hand, feeling the bone cut into his skin.

He wears an elbow-length glove of gold bone. They sprouts through the hand, creating a feeling of complete immobility. But Ichigo feels it and moves it like a native. In the palm of his hand, literally in his skin, in his bones, he feels that he can summon a sword, a bow, a scythe, even a pair of daggers.

Urahara is visibly confused, and Ichigo is trying to figure out, clenching and unclenching his fist, when he still feels so complete and powerful. The remnants of the shinigami uniform dangled from the bottom, and the pants were the only thing left of it. A strong white binding encircles his chest, and the blue cloth is a barrier between it and his skin. The sleeves are about a quarter in length. They are blue on top and white on the bottom, merging with the corset.

Legs are in the same color scheme as the shirt, even the remaining pants have become more modern, lightening to dark gray. Half of his face is covered by the same bones as his arm, which also pierces the skin to the touch. Surprisingly, there is no discomfort.

“Urahara-san—“ he sais awkwardly, feeling a cold, self-loathing twist inside him, and a hole in his chest trying to squeeze down to his heart. The merchant is silent, looking at the boy in surprise. (He no longer has a katana-no-katana-nokatanano). He focuses his gaze on the man's eyes, then immediately lookes away.

Ichigo freezes. Whatever his eyes are now, it is scary even for Urahara. But Kisuke just laughes.

“That's great, Kurosaki-san. Let's try out your new strength in business! Try to knock off my hat, and then we'll decide when to move out”.

Ichigo at the same time breaks away from the place, moving by Hirenkyaku (‘what is this?’ he asked the subconscious. His own voice echoed back, ‘Quincy Moving Technique’) and instantly slipping out of it behind the owner of the shop, literally one billionth of a second thinking about what kind of weapon to choose. But confidence in It decides for him.

A golden scythe with a red ribbon lies in the hand. Ichigo cuts at the level where the panama hat is no longer touching the skin, but the hair is not over yet. Half of the hat falls to the floor along with the gray hair. In the background, Jinta exhales in surprise. 

Urahara covers himself with a fan, pulling out a new hat from somewhere.

“You're ready, I take it,” not a question, but a statement. Ichigo nods, cursing himself.

The Zanpakto inside him are laughing out loud, and the stripes on his wrist are getting brighter.

/////

  
Ichigo Kurosaki is sixteen, and his classmates are looking at him with horror in their eyes. He covers himself with a huge black coat, because bones and a hole would immediately give him away as an intruder. But the energy is still going horribly strong, poisoning the air, getting into his lungs. Even he himself feels it is a bad pressure.

Ishida scowls at him, disgust in his eyes, and then Ichigo hears him ask Urahara in disdain what kind of freak he is. He hides his hair to the last strand, so that they do not even suspect the identity of the terrible stranger.

Ichigo now has a triple life. He chooses a pseudonym Emma, which—he hides it, but Kurosaki sees, now he sees everything, but it doesn't make him feel better— makes Urahara shudders.

People with his face were never peaceful.

/////

  
It's cold on the scaffold. Ichigo is always cold now, and it doesn't matter where he is. Even under the heat Sokyoku he's still icy cold. Ichigo doesn't care what the Captains are doing right now. He just wants to end it all and go home, becoming a fifteen-year-old with no nine-hundred-years life experience.

Rukia looks at him, eyes wide, and he can't think of anything else to say but, “Yo”.

Rukia seems to be crying, and he falls awkwardly silent, only moving to the beam and summoning the scythe while still covering the golden, scarlet curtain. It cuts down, and Sekisseki falling apart under him like butter under the knife. Ichigo looks at the bird, stretches out a bone hand forward, creating a metal bow.  
  
Sokyoku destroyed so many of his relatives. It has destroyed so many creatures that it can no longer be forgiven.

“Black Re Itte. Technique 3”, he sais evenly, releasing the arrow. It pierces the fire phoenix precisely into the artificially created heart, tearing it apart without the possibility of rebirth. 

Sokyoku cries for the last time.

The last wisp of fire descendes, and Ichigo only has time to read the sentence on the Sotaichō moving lips before disappearing from everyone's view along with Rukia,

“And who are you now, _Eternal_?”

Ichigo can’t answer that question yet. But the supportive smiles of his family, the way Orihime, Chad, and Icida enthusiastically beg him for everything that happened, feelings from past lives— with them, he can find out this.


End file.
